As I start this project I thought I would take a few moments to express my personal views on Adoption and on the Foster Care/Adoption industry. November is national adoption awareness month (or so I have been told). Hard to tell these days with every month being some national awareness month these days. Anyway as a way of drawing awareness to the side of adoption very few want to talk about let alone acknowledge exist I chose 4 meme buttons to post to my personal page for a week. The second week was a meme that simply said: “Adoption destroys families.” It touched off a small firestorm so I thought I would take a moment to elaborate.
I stand by my original statement. I believe it does destroy families. Some said I should have qualified my statement. I could have said “Some adoptions destroy families,” or Adoptions destroy some families.” Both of these qualifications would be true. Since the original does not qualify either noun in the sentence I believe that reading into the sentence “All” would be an error. I certainly never intended anyone to read into the sentence “All adoptions destroy families.” I cannot speak to the intent of the original creator of the meme but I can only speak for me here.
I know of and care a great deal for many individuals who either are adopted or have adopted. Some internationally and some through the foster/adoption system, and some privately. My statement was not meant in any way to disparage the character of these individuals. I cannot speak to the motives of all, but most I have met have pure motives going into the adoption process. Many have been fooled into thinking that adoption is even the “Christian” thing to do. After all, doesn’t Paul use adoption as an illustration of the what Christ has done for us Gentile believers in scripture? It is a far cry from this use of language to describe our adoption into the family of God to make the blanket and far-reaching claims that Christians should be foster and adoptive parents as if it were a mandate in scripture. So despite some who saw my statement as a slam on the character of those who are adopters that is far from the case. If I came across to you in that manner I am sorry, that was not my intent.
If I could expand the statement I would say this. “All Adoptions are based in or around the destruction of a family.” Not exactly the statement that fits nicely on a Button Meme but I think more accurate. Biblically speaking adoption was the taking of an orphan into your home and granting them all the rights and privileges of an heir in the home. Let us look at the word orphan for a moment. Because attached to that is a biblical mandate to care for the widows and orphans. Where you have orphans it is our obligation as believers to care for them. An orphan is a child who has lost both parents to death. I do not think that it is much of a stretch to say that most adoptions that occur today do not involve orphans. Even where it does you can see that you already have the elements of my revised statement. You have the destruction of the family and thus the need for adoption. To deny this is to rob the child of his/her heritage.
So in most cases of adoption today we create an orphan where one does not exist in order to facilitate the adoption. We do this through what is called a TPR or termination of parental rights. This can be done in a variety of ways. A parent may simply be asked to sign away their rights. There is often at least an overtone of coercion in this method. A teen mom who is feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility being thrust on her may be told the child will be better off with a more seasoned couple. In our case, if we voluntarily turned over our rights it would preserve our rights to any future children. Sometimes even our best-intended words in these situations can add elements of coercion into the mix. (On a side note: wouldn’t the more “Christian” thing to do be to take the unwed teen mom/dad into our home and help teach her how to be a good mother to her child? Food for thought) Anyway, the other way TPR is obtained is through a court order. In these cases, the adoption or the need to adopt at least create the destruction of the family.
Are there ever cases where TPR is necessary? Reluctantly I have to say yes. A mother or father who is so drug-addled that they would consider selling their child for sex to obtain drugs. Someone out there at this point will throw out every horror story imaginable. These kids need help, of that I have no doubt. The sad reality is these are not the kids that CPS helps because often they are deemed to damaged to be adaptable. The horror of these stories is they often come to light because CPS failed to act on behalf of the children. Even here though where these kids are rescued they are rescued from the destruction of their former life. Even these adoptions are built on the destruction of the family of origin. In these cases that destruction occurs at the family of origin itself, but it still occurs.
If we look at industry statistics over 80% of children taken into foster care do not need to be there. Those are only the parents who eventually win their children back. After the trauma of being separated. Of those deemed by the state to be in need of TPR even if they are innocent they have NO recourse other than to lie, admit to what they didn’t do, seek help for a problem that doesn’t exist, and hope they can convince someone that they have truly repented and maybe they might be able to avoid TPR. A statement to this effect was made by the Attorney for the state before the Missouri Southern District Court of Appeals. I wish I could provide you with the documentation to prove it, but the court structured their ruling in such a way that it will never be admissible in any other proceedings. In the vast majority of these cases, removal isn’t necessary and TPR is definitely not necessary,
As you can see in almost all if not all cases adoption necessitates the destruction of the family of origin to work. (There may be a few cases where open adoptions work, but I will not address those here). So in saying Adoption Destroys Families I am in no way trying to blame or disparage adopters. Quite the contrary for those who do it right I have the utmost admiration and respect. What I am saying is, don’t be fooled your family was built around the destruction of another. Maybe in your case, the destruction was already done and you are helping to pick up the pieces. In that case, God Bless you. Maybe just maybe in your case, you were lied to. The abuse the social worker claimed prompted the TPR may have been nothing more than bad parenting that could easily be corrected with a little education (or maybe a lot of hard work and discipleship). Maybe you owe it to the child you say you love as your own to find out if there really is a loving family out there. Do the right thing, reach out to them talk to them, find out for yourself the real story.
In closing, I want to briefly talk about the sovereignty of God. This is an idea that all Christians would or should ascribe to. I know it is a concept I have struggled with over the past several years. What to do when God doesn’t make sense. Scripture teaches us that Children are a gift from God.
Children are a heritage from the Lord, Offspring a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth.
Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.
Psalms 127:3-5
It seems to me to be somewhat arrogant on our part to be so quick to substitute our own judgment for his. I am reminded of the movie “I can Only Imagine.” in it tells the story of Bart who grew up in a broken and abusive home found Christ. His father finds him too. Through the struggle of abuse, Bart is able to pen some amazing songs that are touching the lives of millions today. I have to wonder what would have happened if CPS had stepped in and foster care and adoption had been the route. Would some well-meaning Christian rescuing him from the crucible had short-circuited the amazing truth revealed in his songs.
So that is my views on adoption. I am definitely not against adoption but I am most certainly not for it. If it is what you feel God calling you to do I would hope and pray that you would pray and pray hard and then pray again. Pray to understand the forces at work to destroy a family in order that you might build yours. Every adoption is built on the ruins of another family. That is not a judgment, it is a fact.
My hope in all this is simply this. When we as Christians can acknowledge the trauma and destruction intrinsic in adoption, then maybe we can start to find real solutions. Choosing family care over foster or adoptive care. I am not sure how this will look exactly that is why I need you. All of us together can help define what real Christian Compassion looks like in trying to preserve the families that God gave whenever possible.
Grumpy Old Saint 